Christmas night out 2006

It hardly seems a year ago but here we go again
Time to get my own back and get busy with my pen
We class ourselves as singers with a cacophony of noise
We come in all shapes & sizes, especially the boys

We’ll sing at any venue, pubs, boats and even caves
To earn enough for carryouts when we have our all night raves
We practise weekly warbling getting ready for the mod
When decent self respecting folk seem to go to Hell by God

Dunoon is still recovering ,from Mulls victorious win
The council are still on overtime clearing up the bottles of gin
I know you’re all quite worried, wiping sweat from your fevered brow
What is that dreadful wee weegie going to say about us know

I’ll try and be quite gentle as a wee bit fun I’ll poke
But please will you all remember this is just a little joke.
Tonight i’ll introduce you all we’ll name you one by one
We’ll tell you abit about yourselves and have a bit of fun

First up are the sopranos a high faluting lot
They think they’re a cut above us ,but we all know they’re not
They’re mouths are o so perfect as they enounciate each bar
Sticking out their boosoms helped with their new wonder bra

First up is wee Carol a danger on 4 wheels
Correcting our Mull gaelic its not Lewis perfect she feels
She might be small in stature but makes up with her voice
Has harry running after her ,he’s scared he has no choice.
We are glad she made it here tonight of this we will not scoff
But rumour had it she was away auditioning for snowhites dwarfs

Then we have our Kirsty talking properly is her trade
Did you see her on the telly the shapes that that mouth made
She is getting so excited we just can’t hold her down
Tobermory isn’t good enough shes moving out of town
She’s got poor mike so flummexed he’s even losing hair
But next year when she sits with us she’ll be a Dervaig bear
She really is an asset ,but getting on they say
So we’’ll take this opportunity to say happy 50th birthday

Next up is the blonde bird Janet is her name
She comes highly recommended with a Glasgow Islay fame
Top prize she took for duets that voice will never fade
But we hear it is helped along with lots of gin and lemonade
She’s settled down to a life in Mull of peace and perfect solace
But what’s happening at Oaklee we ask when guests are arrested by the Polis.

Then we have Riona who keeps us all in line
Reay you have our sympathy,is she like this all the time ?
As accommodation secretary she surely is the best
Booking and planning years ahead making sure we get our rest
We’d like to say to you and Reay we’re all so very proud
Of your wee boys gold medal win - so stand up and take a bow.
Reay please pick up next years music you’re left with no other choice
We've entered you at Fort William to woo them with that husky voice.

Next we have Fiona our only sober one
But guaranteed you’ll find her in the middle of the fun
Fiona’s our comedienne, she really full of laughs
But can you imagine what she be like with one or two wee halfs
She is our ceilidh singer complete with one new knee
Evil liquers not for her she’d rather a cup of tea
We missed her at this years mod she’s really one in a million
But never mind Fiona you can make it up to us at Fort William

Step forward now the mid-wife, our own sweet dusky one
Singing sweetly every week and always up for fun
Her looks they are so fetching with that mischeivious smile
The men of Mull just love it that and your glamourous style
They wish they could get pregnant just to feel your touch
But we know that never could be, the pain would be too much
But poor John is so let down his poor old heart is filling
His one and only wish in life was for Moira to be willing

Now we have the basses the section with all the height
Keeping in with Elizabeth & doing all things right
No foot is ever out of line, no note is ever missed
What they are all needing is to get well and truly hissed

First up there is Duncan, a bass of great renoun
Keeping these basses in order never seems to get him down
A fine upstanding gentleman whom we all respect
Full of virtues, always good not one flaw can we detect
He is the only gaelic Hell’s Angel this can not be hid
Dressed in all his leathers Mull's own ton up kid
He’s not always so angelic in things he wants to do
rumour has it for Christmas he wants a dirty big tattoo
But seriously Duncan, leathers, tattoo and all it’s just a bit of fun
Everyone of us here tonight think you are our number one.

Next up we have Nigel the quiet man of the gang
Gaelic words and music it didn’t take long to get the hang
But have you ever noticed that quiet retiring smile
Is aimed at one of the altos you could spot it from a mile
The little winks along the line the look of absolute pleasure
I felt quite flattered considering & up went my blood pressure
But then I put my glasses on and all it was not cosy
The looks of love and intimacy were aimed at his wee Rosie

Last up we have our tall boy who goes by the name of Vic
Another doctor he is by trade, we’re all right if we take sick
A guitarist he claims to be of that we’ll find out after
As he sings to us and entertains & hopefully lifts the rafters
Female patients so it seems are rushing up in droves
To pop up on the table and pop off all your clothes
His bedside manner so they say it really is the best
Perhaps John could learn from him how to stop ogling a lady’s chest

As every year I tell you they’re the glamour of the choir
They leave our males all panting with passion and desire
Yes of course you’ve guessed it’s of the altos that we speak
Beautiful looks and voices with talent they do reek

First we have a lady whose attributes are handy
Singing teaching and tutoring yes it’s our own Janet Tandy
She is a busy lady never seems to be at home
Promoting the Gaelic language over the countryside she roams
But we have to think of Archie as he sits at home and pines
I am thinking of answering the lonely heart ad he has in the Oban Times.

Then we have our doctor our very own Jennifer Jack
One of the back bones of this lovely alto pack
Jennifer keeps us cheery and never lets us get down
When frequently at practise Elizabeth gives the altos that well known dreaded frown
At mod times when we are nervous she plies us all with drugs
But please don’t get the wrong idea we ain’t no bunch of thugs

Next up is Eileen our quiet Irish colleen
Learning words and practising in her kitchen she can be seen
But don’t be put off by appearances she has really foxed us all
Did you see the two black eyes she sported after her bar room brawl

Hazel it’s great to have you with us we appreciate what you do
Perhaps if could charm him, Pat might join us too,
Hazel we’d like to welcome you as our new choir singing chick
Tonights your initiation so we’ll hear what makes you tick
Oops sorry we forgot to mention that but we’ll make it really easy
We’ll just get Vic to check your chest in case you’re a wee bit wheezy
We would really like to welcome you and make you feel at home
But Pat please don’t feel too left out next year you’ll be in the poem

Last up there is Rosie the Arab of the bunch
Her voice is full of vigour and really packs a punch
She really swings her singing she doesn’t miss a chance
But if she goes on like this she might be better in riverdance
And every week at practise it really is quite sweet
To watch her ogling Nigel with a smile oh so discreet

Now we have the tenors I am really stuck for words
To say anything too flattering would be really quite absurd
Shepherds, students & dear knows what did you ever see such a crew
Primadonnas every one, it really makes you spew
Conductors pet without a doubt it really is a stir
Rumour has it that one of them sleeps at night with her.
First up there is Billy a tenor with lovely tones
A right wee dauber he can be never known to moan
He isn’t really quite and shy and never quiet as a mouse
Really folks your worry would be when he’s parked outside your house.
Seriously Billy we’d like to say we hope you will be back
But don’t renew your contract with that crap band just for the crack

Next up there is Iain, Mull’s own singing shepherd
Wandering the hills practising the notes they can be heard
A crofter man he is at heart looking after his sheep
We heard the police were after him for stalking poor Bo Peep

Next up there is Alan who takes a lot of stick
For not learning words we slag him it never does the trick
But this year it’s eureka he’s really big time now
He knows the words of Sine Bhan - stand up and take a bow.
The pills are really working and filling him with glee
Perhaps at this time next year he will know the words of Tillidh Mi

Now tonight we greet an old member that we have welcomed back
His name is Jim he thinks he’s cool and charm he does not lack
His chat up lines they are good but ladies do not risk all
As really it ‘s all machine gun talk from a wee wet water pistol
You know we’re only joking Jim and it’s great to see you here
We hope you’re back to stay with us for many many a year

Missing from the table tonight is a tenor highly renowned
Winning gold he does with ease with that fantastic sound
Alasdair you did us proud of this we’re very sure
And don’t forget to give us a call when you need the use of a chaffeur
I‘ll ask you all to lift your glass in a toast to Alasdair’s White
So please all be upstanding and drink his health tonight.

Last but not least there's our conductor elizabeth by name
She puts us through our paces perfection is her aim
We never just quite made it though perhaps it’s maybe fate
But this year in Dunoon we had cause to celebrate
We really try our hardest but we often hear your sighs
It maybe would help a bit if we could have a wee pay rise.

As well as all the singers we have good friends with us too
A group of roadies come along supporting us in all we do
We’d like to thank you Eilidh for all you’ve done for us
At Sonachan you treat us well & always make a fuss
We hope that this long friendship will never know no end
from all of us Eilidh thanks for being a loyal friend
Thanks must go to Ann & Jean who we’re glad to see tonight
Supporting us at all the mods and all the choir nights
Their friendship it is valued and appreciated too
Great big thanks from all of us for supporting all we do.

Last but not least we have someone who really turned their back
Gave up gaelic singing and listening to our crack
We can’t believe he did this and went his own sweet way
But Archbold your tea is out we’re going to have our say.
We don’t believe the rumour you left because you’re gay
Folk have told us otherwise but now you have to pay
We need you back it ain’t the same
We miss hearing Elizabeth weekly shouting out your name
At mods the girls are disappointed as they wait with bated glee
For the nocturnal knock on the door saying "open up it’s me".
With sheena gone to cheer you up we wrote your christmas list
For a dusky maiden in your stocking was the one and only wish
But Santa said you’re having a laugh this I cannot do
At his old age and lack of hair Fran or Anna will have to do
But Fran and Anna couldn’t come they are busy with Christmas cheer
Their message was quite simple get back to choir next year
So no more feeble excuses you never got the sack
Come back to choir we miss you and we want you to come back

This is where I grovel and get down on bended knee
To ask forgivness from you all for this bit of comedy
I hope you’re not offended this was all abit of a joke
But if anyone enjoyed it mines a vodka and coke.

There is nothing left for me to say except for just one thing
Let’s have a ball and lots of fun and then just sing sing sing.